Our Mission: Find hot Indonesian girls on Tinder.
So here I am in Bali for the holidays. I’m here for two weeks and itching to get into some sort of trouble. The boys, of course, are on the island as well, and the four of us are ramping up on the patio of our rented villa drinking our starter drink; the vodka, cranberry, with a splash of soda water. The boys and I have been chatting and catching up since our last adventure, but we’re also setting the plan in motion for the next two weeks. What were we going to do, where we were going to go, and of course, how are we going to meet Indonesian girls.
It’s the usual cast of the characters. Cranjerry, a 20 year long expat living in Asia, serial bachelor, and consistent drinker. TheGerm, a german guy I met in my first hour of ever being in Thailand many years ago. I was at the airport BTS station trying to figure out how to get to my hotel, and he helped me navigate the Thai BTS subway system. On the way to the hotel he regaled me with stories of fucking lady boys and how into he was. Note that TheGerm was not a gay man, simply a German dude with a weird proclivity for the katoey. TheGerm also prided himself on being the “original whorist”, having played the game for more years than one can count. And of course MrPositivity. Another multi-year Asia expat who probably should have been a motivational speaker in another life.
This trip was to be my first foray into Tinder, and more importantly, how to talk to girls on Tinder. I know I’m way late to the party on this one – but as readers know, I’m really not a fan of a digital footprint. I’m the guy who refuses to use gmail because I don’t want big brother to have a copy of all of my emails. Right get over it, it’s 2017 and this is my first run picking up girls on Tinder.
As we sit out on the patio of the rented villa, the boys help me load up the app and setup a profile. I write some text how I’m visiting Bali, Indonesia for two weeks and post some photos from my Facebook account.
“Visiting the island of Bali for two weeks! Looking for some interesting and fun people to catch drinks with. I love making new friends all over the world!” Just what I wanted – noncommittal, clearly stating that I’m not looking for a relationship, and that we should get started over drinks.
Cranjerry takes a look at my profile, and grunts with unhappiness over what I’ve written. He monkeys with it for a few minutes and hands me back the phone. Deleted is the text I originally wrote and replaced with…
“Looking for love and hopefully a long term relationship with a beautiful Indonesian woman here on the romantic island of Bali. Let’s get to know each other.” He followed this text with a bunch of ridiculous emojis, and changed my default profile picture to one of me driving a Mercedes. The other boys seem to approve of his edits. Alright, whatever, game on.
The Tindering Begins
I spend the next 20 minutes carefully examining the profiles of the chicks I’m looking at. I’m probably swiping right 1 out of 5 girls at this point. Finally after an exhausting 30 minutes of looking at Instagram photos of girls in bikini’s making funny faces, I receive my first match. The chick was cute – I remembered I had swiped by her 10 to 20 minutes before. She was a local Indonesian girl with 2 photos of her in Europe, and then another two photos of her in a bikini. She was hot – a solid 9 out of 10. Great smile, petite figure, and relatively buxom for an Asian woman. My favorite kind! Her profile description was simple, and fully clear on what she was looking for.
“Your typical docile, short, subservient Asian girl wanting to help quell a white boy’s yellow fever”
Now being that this is the first time I used Tinder – I didn’t quite understand the importance of a strong opening. I had just matched with some hot girl in less than 30 minutes and… at least in my mind… I figured this was the norm for this app. Infact, at this point I was thinking to myself how ridiculous it was that I had waited this long to get involved in the online dating. This was simple. This was shooting fish in a barrel. How little I knew.
“Hey how are you?” – Now after having more experience with Tinder – it still blows my mind that this simple opener worked and would lead to the events that transpired over the next couple of days.
She replied. “Hi big hair, how are you?” Big hair. She’d already given me a nickname in our first messaging conversation. We chatted for a while, I learned she worked in Business Development at a landscaping architecture place in Bali. She was a muslim girl originally from the island of Java, just West of Bali, as 90% of the girls on the island were. Her English was eerily good which quickly signaled to me there were a few foreign boyfriends in her past. We exchanged WhatsApp numbers and said we’d be in touch over the next couple of days. Her name was “Aiye”.
The boys were still sitting around the table drinking Cranjerries at this point and it was rounding 4 PM. We were all on Tinder & Wechat trying to meet people and gloating about our various successes and failures. I’m telling the boys about Aiye while I continue to flip through sexy Indonesian girls on Tinder. Cranjerry asks me how many matches I’ve had and I gloat to him that I’ve gotten one over the last few hours, I already had digits within hours of being on the island. This trip was looking good.
The boys had an uproarious laughter at my expense and I realized that they each had 5 to 10 matches at this point already. What was I doing wrong? I put my question to the committee of drunks and prepared myself for the beating I was about to receive, but also hoping to learn what I was doing wrong.
“You’re reading the profiles. Don’t ever read the profiles. It’s a total waste of time.” TheGerm speaks up. “Just keep swiping right and then triage the girls who actually match with you.”
The game theory here made sense… why am I spending an exorbitant amount of time looking at profiles of beautiful women in Bali when only a tiny fraction of them will actually swipe right on me. I mean – I’m an ok looking guy, but probably not the idealistic representation of masculinity. Unless the Indonesian girls like pasty white guys with a beer belly. Who knows.
I put the new tactic into effect and immediately swiped right on every single girl without looking. It got to the point where I wasn’t even looking at my phone and was instead chatting directly to the boys while I was doing it. Finally after about 10 minutes, my Tinder account ran out of swipes and it told me I had to wait another 24 hours to swipe with more people. Alright no worries, I thought, I’ve already matched with enough people that there should be some entertainment before now and the next time I can swipe. Man did I underestimate the addictiveness of swiping on Tinder.
Finally around 6 PM the boys and I decide to head out on the town. Collectively the four of us have killed two bottles of vodka in the past three or so hours. We’re reasonably liquored up, and very amped up for a night on the town. That being said though – we’re on the quieter side of Bali called Sanur where there isn’t a lot of action. We’re anticipating this first night being mostly a pub crawl and catching up between the four of us before we hit the big leagues down in Kuta later in the week.
The nights starts off with a sleepy bar at the top of Tamblingan near the McDonalds in Sanur. There was a couple cute waitresses waiting by the door. A good place to keep ramping up the night. The place seem to cater to a certain local expat demographic, and had portraits of all of its best customers on the wall behind the bar. We had a couple of Bintang beers and TheGerm starts regaling us of stories of picking up girls on tinder Thailand. Ah shit – Tinder, I hadn’t looked at my phone in the last hour, so I fish it out of my pocket to see what’s going on. Seven new matches. Fish in a barrel. I start bragging to the boys and put my phone in the center of the table so everyone can see the match
Tinder Match 2 in Bali, the first of many
A beautiful Indonesian girl with great figure. The first three pictures are of her in a bikini at the beach, showing off her clearly fake, but very buxom figure. The second two photos are of her dancing on a pole at one of the nightclubs in Kuta. The last photo is of her lieing in down in bed, and her enormous breasts overflowing her bra.
“Look boys – first match is looking good. Have a look at her!” I eaked out… TheGerm bursts into explosive laughter as I continue to drool over my prospective date. He manages to quip back through bouts of laughter. “You’re looking at man!”
I look at the description and the “chick” is clearly describing herself as a man. Should have read the description before I showed the boys. “Alright, whatever.” and flip to the next match. Cranjerry gets another round of Bintangs with shots of vodka on the side from the bar maid. The drinking continues.
This time I’m more careful. I read the description first. “I am a SHEMALE” she writes. Pictures were of what looked like a beautiful Indonesian girl with a huge fake rack… who apparently also had a penis. Note to self: If they look too hot, it’s probably a dude.
This one clearly advertised she was “Looking for clients”. The boys and I think through potential responses, and decided to go with this opener. “Wow! What luck, I was just looking for a freelance wealth management expert. What are your consultation fees?” The boys and I thought we were hilarious – but the lack of response implied that our humor was lost on our audience.
The other girls looked normal, as in not hookers or trannies, but since I had not been looking at who I was swiping with – I wasn’t really interested in what the tinder app had turned up. Fat chicks. I went ahead and unmatched the others after looking at a few profile photos. Alright no problem, we still have two weeks left.
Meanwhile my phone starts buzzing again with a message – this time it’s Aiye trying to keep the conversation going. She seemed lukewarm on the idea of meeting up that night, but the bigger problem was she was totally on the other side of the island out in Kuta. I put my phone away for now realizing that nothing interesting was going to come from Tinder tonight.
The boys and I kept moving down the Jl. Tamblingan stopping at every bar where there were people. We’ve each consumed five or six beers on top of the shots and vodka at the house, so all of us are feeling pretty good. We arrived at a bar around 10 PM called Casablanca. It was happening with tons of tourist girls and a couple Indonesian girls dancing on the dance floor. It was by far the most happening place we had found in Sanur so far. We venture in for a couple of drinks and watch the spectacle. We crouched around one of the taller standing tables near the bar and looked at the patrons as they downed their Bintangs and cocktails, parading between their respective tables and the dance floor.
The place definitely happening… but the clientele was not exactly to our liking. Again we were on the quieter side of the island, and it was predominately Australian tourists mucking around. Unfortunately, like most tourists, the Australians don’t travel in herds of beautiful single women, no, quite the opposite, they often travel with their significant others. We were in a bar with a bunch of middle aged Australian women with their boyfriends / fiances / husbands. There were a couple odd Indonesian girls milling around, but none that seemed interested in starting up a conversation with the four drunken foreigners hanging out in the back of the bar. Pickings were slim. Cranjerry seemed reluctant for us to leave without another round of shots. We gulped them down and washed them down with more Bintang.
Vodka shots with beer seems like an odd combination – but you have to understand the economics of the island. Imported liquor was extremely expensive. Most of the local drunks stuck to Bintang, the local beer, which ran about 24,000 Rupiah (1.8 USD) a bottle even in the swankiest bar. A couple years back however, Smirnoff being on the quest to make more money, realized they could get around the local tax laws if they started bottling Smirnoff in Bali and selling it as a domestic product. Our $80 dollar bottles of Smirnoff immediately dropped to $10, heralding a new era of debauchery on the island. Yup, Smirnoff vodka was the only non turpentine-like hard liquor brand we could buy at that $10 dollar point, making it the liquor of choice to chase our beers.
TheGerm, at this point, was sensing that our first night out might be a bust… and started hitting his WeChat and Tinder apps aggressively. Using the “people nearby” function on WeChat, he connected to some Indonesian girl who didn’t speak enough English to do much of anything but set up a date for 30 minutes from now. Her pictures looked like they were taken on a first generation camera phone, with low light and grainy image quality. Her WeChat description had one line… “not free – u pay”. After some debate as to what exactly this young entrepreneur might be charging for, TheGerm loaded up another shot and stumbled out the front gates of Casablanca alone. “See you fucks tomorrow” he slurred in his thick German accent as he labored through the gates and out on the road.
Alright, one down, three of us left. Cranjerry went to settle the bill leaving MrPositivity and I sitting at the bar. I fished out my phone again to see what was going on with Tinder. 12 more matches… alright. But there’s also 4 messages on WhatsApp from Aiye… that seemed more interesting.
“Come out to The Jungle with me and my friends”.
“Where is The Jungle?”
“It’s in Canggu – 30 minutes from you.”
I pop open my phone and Google maps says its a good 45 minutes away. It’s 11 PM. The google reviews, as unhelpful as always, showed it as a kind of outdoor nightclub, but no indication as to it’s popularity.
“Out with my buddies for tonight – let’s have a drink tomorrow.” – No response back from the Indonesian girl.
I casually open up Tinder again, this time a little more wary of what the app has to offer. Twelve matches with Indonesian girls, all but one of them are either offering some sort of service, fat chicks, or transexuals. I’m not interested in chatting up any of the 12 matches. Swiping right on everyone is definitely an efficient use of time, but there was a lot of crappy matches to wade through.
Cranjerry settles the tab and showed back up at the table. MrPositivity looking a little glazed over from the jetlag and the copious amount of alcohol we’ve consumed. Cranjerry gets a tip though on a place up the road, something we had passed on our walk down Jl Tamblingan, but hadn’t walked in. The venue was called “The Zoo” and it was known for being the only nightclub in Sanur. The deranged local expat that Cranjerry got the tip from said it was known for two things. The first one was that at 1 AM every night, they hired Indonsian girls to do sexy dancing. The second thing was that it was known as the place that the local “entrepreneur” and “freelance wealth management” girls went for drinks after their shift. Paydirt. TheGerm dipped out before this party was about to get good.